Has anyone ever told you that recovery is easy? Well for me this was certainly not the case. Like most things in my life, I have this desire to take the hard road. As such, my first year of recovery was a white-knuckled test of sheer willpower. Some days were great and some nearly killed me. Just as in my active addiction, there were a few days that all I wanted to do was to give up. Not even just give up my recovery, but rather much more. There were times when my mind kept telling me that recovery was pointless. I was never going to make it. I was either going to have to suffer forever or I could just end it all now and stop the pain. If it was not for the grace of God, my Higher Power, and a fear that suicide was a mortal sin, I most likely would not be around today to share my story.
Today I view recovery quite a bit differently than I did that first year. Today I see recovery as a life-long process of self-discovery. Recovery to me is a term of empowerment. I have the opportunity to learn more and more about myself , every day, every week. As long as I am working recovery, I am learning about myself. Recovery has not been easy in the emotional sense. It has however, been much easier for me that active addiction in the living sense.
I am approaching 5 years in recovery and just this year I am really committed to digging into the deepest secrets and traumas. For me, I see recovery as a slow unraveling of the unconscious mind. The first year was coming to terms with the fact that most of my thoughts were irrational and I did not even realize it. The second year was digging in to get a first set of steps done and actually do some honest work. The third year was a continuation of self-discovery and following my passion. But now, in my forth year, I am so aware of my barriers that I have this desire to actually do the uncomfortable and difficult work of breaking down these walls and setting myself free of my self-imposed limits. I want to be free, because now I can truly appreciate what freedom is.